Revelations from Hagee

When it comes to modern Apocalyptic soothsaying, John Hagee is the man. After undergoing my spiritual circumcision, I was introduced to Rev. Hagee by way of the Trinity Broadcasting Network, a TV station to which I regularly send sizable donations. And Hagee has put in his 2¢ worth on the 2008 election: McCain wins, hands down.

It gives me a good feeling inside — if you're not familiar with Hagee, he understands the Book of Revelation better than any living person (not a simple feat). I've spent countless hours hearing his foretelling of Israel's invasion by Russia and Iran, the rise of the Anti-Christ (heads up: it will be the head of the European Union) and the battle at Megiddo (you know, Armageddon). I'll admit that many people have tried this whole prediction thing and it hasn't always went as planned. In fact, I believe I'm correct in saying that 100% of past Armageddon predictions have been wrong. But we're not dealing with those people — they were wrong. We're dealing with the Reverend John Hagee. And he can only be right.

I'm personally comfortable that more than $1 million in donations to Hagee's church go to pay his salary. I believe my donations are helping Rev. Hagee become more comfortable in order to be in the spiritual condition to allow him to receive Divine Revelation. And as any subscriber to the Prosperity Doctrine (myself included) will tell you, this is just evidence that God has blessed Rev. Hagee for the good work he's been doing. I tend to trust those who have more money than I do. God doesn't deliver false profit.

So with his record of extreme correctiness, Hagee has sealed the deal for McCain. And if that doesn't win the election for my Republican allies, then nothing will — except maybe the fact that Barak Hussein Ali-Obama is a Musselman!