The End is Near: UPDATE! New Evidence of the Approaching End-Times!

Our Lord certainly must be planning his eminent return. How else could you explain this Apocalyptic spectacle?

THE END IS NEAR

I took some time to go into the mountains and get closer to God. Then he started showing me an awesome vision.

The End Times. The beginning of those 7 awful years. Worse for me, since I shall be persecuted and prevented from buying and selling; I simply refuse to take the mark of the beast.

April 20, 2008. It's going to happen, possibly noon-ish. I hope you are ready. If you are not, perhaps it is time you came to recognize Jesus as your personal savior and stop living your meteorologist-loving-secular-molecular-germ-theory- coming-from-apes-global-warming-big-bang- homosexual-science lifestyle.

I'm having more visions. More later.

People, Let Me Tell Ya Bout My Best Friend

I need to tell you about a fantasy I've always had: the ability to lounge back in my recliner in a pair of overly snug tighty-whiteys and keep other people from accessing information I didn't like. Until now, that's just been a dream. But someone has finally made it a reality.

Oh, Abunga, how I love thee! Let me count the ways!

1. blocked The Golden Compass
2. blocked anything by Richard Dawkins
3. blocked Fahrenheit 451
   

That's at least three ways I love you already. What a sweet concept: I don't like a book, so I ban it and you can't buy it either. Admittedly, there is a flaw in the system — it takes many people banning a book to get it completely removed. So, my loyal legion, sign up and start banning all that science nonsense forthwith!

I Wish They'd Just Study Meteors

Those damn meteorologists are at it again. Poisoning the brains of our young with rotten lies.

7-year-old Cameron McLellan wants to be — get this — a meteorologist when he grows up. Wonder who got him hooked? Oh, it was The Weather Channel. Surprise, surprise.

Q: Why are you so fascinated with the weather?
A: It's all the nature in it, and all the things weather can do. Like lightning can strike twice.

The nature in it? If that's what's so fascinating, why isn't he turning to the Lord? That's what's interesting to me. I wonder if little Cameron knows much about "ensemble forecasting," the way the meteorologists acknowledge their mistakes in advance by using multiple composites with many variables to calculate their predictions. It's nothing more than shameless bet-hedging that will allow them to be "wrong" without being "in the wrong." Those variables — those are my Lord's way of letting you know who is in charge.

I think it's time we make a stand and keep these vile people from poisoning our youth and spitting on our religion. I've been calling for a boycott for years, but I think it's really time we got it going.

Don't Try to Comment if You're Going to be a Smart Ass

Yes. You. Don't even think about it.

Example:

Kyle, you lowlife piece of shit. Torturing scientists is the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life, next to some of the "theories" behind intelligent design. I can see how the two potentially correlate, but that doesn't give them credence. And you really need to stop writing some really stupid shit, posting it, then going back 20 minutes later and changing it to slightly less stupid shit, then further reverting every time someone tries to comment and point out your mistakes (your comment queue is more like a gas chamber) until you've removed most of the "science" debates and left a completely unsupported insane argument. You vomit out a topic to debate, block any potential opponents from expressing their view, then go off on some tangent and declare an undeserved victory.
-Jeff

Well, Jeff (I'm actually assuming that you're PZ Myers due to the foul language), I believe you owe me an apology. I just posted your comment in the body of the blog posting; therefore, I win.

Evolving a Soul

One of the bits of scientific research that I've had to slowly accept over the years is the theory of evolution. There was simply too much evidence in its favor — but that doesn't mean it's not in God's favor. What an ingenuous way of creating life!

But I was thinking, just the other night, about the horrible implications of evolution. First, there is an unseen force called "NATURAL SELECTION" that goes around killing all the weaker, dumber animals. Last time I checked, that force was called "THE ANGEL OF DEATH" and he works for the Big Man Upstairs. There's one dilemma solved.

Then another dilemma hit me, one that I am still trying to work out. If man evolved from a lower form, did we at some point 'evolve' a soul? Or will every creature in the lineage of our species also be in heaven? I just don't want to be in heaven with a bunch of Neanderthals. I think I have figured it out, though. At some point, man evolved a soul — it obviously has the awesome characteristic of immortality that the Holy Spirit would have to select for. Below, I've presented a diagram of when I think this occurred. Your comments, if they are agreeable, are welcomed.

Revelations from Hagee

When it comes to modern Apocalyptic soothsaying, John Hagee is the man. After undergoing my spiritual circumcision, I was introduced to Rev. Hagee by way of the Trinity Broadcasting Network, a TV station to which I regularly send sizable donations. And Hagee has put in his 2¢ worth on the 2008 election: McCain wins, hands down.

It gives me a good feeling inside — if you're not familiar with Hagee, he understands the Book of Revelation better than any living person (not a simple feat). I've spent countless hours hearing his foretelling of Israel's invasion by Russia and Iran, the rise of the Anti-Christ (heads up: it will be the head of the European Union) and the battle at Megiddo (you know, Armageddon). I'll admit that many people have tried this whole prediction thing and it hasn't always went as planned. In fact, I believe I'm correct in saying that 100% of past Armageddon predictions have been wrong. But we're not dealing with those people — they were wrong. We're dealing with the Reverend John Hagee. And he can only be right.

I'm personally comfortable that more than $1 million in donations to Hagee's church go to pay his salary. I believe my donations are helping Rev. Hagee become more comfortable in order to be in the spiritual condition to allow him to receive Divine Revelation. And as any subscriber to the Prosperity Doctrine (myself included) will tell you, this is just evidence that God has blessed Rev. Hagee for the good work he's been doing. I tend to trust those who have more money than I do. God doesn't deliver false profit.

So with his record of extreme correctiness, Hagee has sealed the deal for McCain. And if that doesn't win the election for my Republican allies, then nothing will — except maybe the fact that Barak Hussein Ali-Obama is a Musselman!