Why Should We Torture Scientists?

I get asked a lot:

"Kyle, why do you advocate the torture of scientists?"

And I reply:

"Because it works."

It's been proven that, provided with adequate time, a skilled torturer can make any scientists recant their superstitions about "science" and accept Jesus as a personal savior.

"But, Kyle, that's not what Jesus taught. We're supposed to love our neighbors as ourselves."

Exactly. If I were a doomed sinner, repeating my lies of science to innocent school-children, without knowing better, I would definitely want someone to intercede and get me to convert to Christianity to save my soul. No amount of torture on this world can outweigh the torture I would receive in Hell. So, it would be worth it. It's done out of love.

"But what if the person is strong-willed and doesn't convert?"

At least God will see how hard we tried.